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friday, september 5th, 2003
6:40 pm - sam clam's disco
got back from san francisco yesterday (insert obligatory arms-are-tired joke here); it was my first time back there since i moved away in 1998. changes: fewer scooters, more empty loft buildings; sameness: great weather, great coffee, good friends. finally met cygnoir, who is every bit as perfect as i knew she would be. although most of my SF friends asked when i was moving back, i love brooklyn too much to ever leave; on the other hand, when it's 35 with freezing rain here in february, i'll be happy to visit again.

current mood: bada bing

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friday, june 20th, 2003
2:47 am - rain, rain, rain
walked home in it. shirtless, shoeless. had suede shoes on, decided to save them from the downpour. of course, i knew it would be a beautiful experience.

hi, i'm back :)

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sunday, january 6th, 2002
12:07 pm - 1/6/97
looking out the door i see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
and maybe i'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
but tonight you're on my mind so you never know

broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
where are you tonight, child you know how much i need it
too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
and much too blind to see the damage he's done
sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

so i'll wait for you... and i'll burn
will i ever see your sweet return
oh will i ever learn

oh lover, you should've come over
'cause it's not too late

lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
my body turns and yearns for a sleep that won't ever come

it's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
it's never over, all my riches for her smiles when i slept so soft against her
it's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
it's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

well maybe i'm just too young
to keep good love from going wrong

oh... lover, you should've come over
'cause it's not too late

well i feel too young to hold on
and i'm much too old to break free and run
too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage i've done
sweet lover, you should've come over
oh, love well i'm waiting for you

lover, you should've come over
cause it's not too late

-- jeff buckley

wednesday, december 26th, 2001
3:45 pm - 364 shopping days til xmas

current mood: chipper

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sunday, november 25th, 2001
6:33 pm - txgiving
thanksgiving was about perfect in every way except length: twenty-four hours over my limit for close family contact. as usual, the lovely cosmopolitan city of troy, new york, hosted the annual family conclave. troy is both my father's birthplace and the home of my alma mater; as an exemplar of upstate new york's downtrodden rust belt, it also possesses that blue collar bars-churches-and- corner-groceries flavor i prefer for nostalgic reverie. said another way, it reminds me of brooklyn, or brooklyn reminds me of it. notably, one of troy's main events of the year, the thanksgiving day "turkey trot" 10K race, is hosted by the ale house, a corner bar which dates from the first wave of irish immigrants into the city's factories and sweatshops. i've been able to drink in the ale house since age 15 or so, largely because of my provenance as "young bourke," my father's son and my uncle's nephew. it's on my list of best bars on the planet.

over the years, i and my cousins have evolved several tactics for surviving thanksgiving, all of which feature leaving the house at crucial moments: touch football, drinking, basketball, drinking, darts, drinking, going out in albany, and drinking. my knowledge of troy's various saloons, taverns and bars, perhaps the greatest fruit of my four years' collegiate labor, is of course exhaustive and immensely helpful.

my friend dave (from north carolina, then san francisco) came to dinner from providence, where he's working on a secret project. not only did he mix readily with the eccentric bourke crowd, but he amazed everyone with his drinking stamina. i consumed an equal amount of hot wings and turkey during the entire ordeal. my cousin colleen and i were defeated in twelve straight dart matches at what used to be sutter's, a roughly paneled dive bar from my rensselaer days. our trip to albany gave me the insight to make the definitive phenomenological link between mullets and skinheads.

funniest moment of thanksgiving:

we're leaving the ruck (the former sutter's) at closing time (4ish a.m.), and dave has most of his pint of newcastle brown to finish. we're pulling on coats and the bartender says "looks like you need a traveler," and proceeds to pour dave's pint into a plastic cup.

best quote of thanksgiving:

dave remarks to me as i'm giving him the three-star tour of the home of uncle sam, "you seem really fond of this place." i say, "it's a function of distance." he says, "then let's get more fond."

current mood: amused

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friday, november 9th, 2001
7:41 pm - ken says
"writing speeches is hard!"

current mood: un peu perplexed

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7:41 pm - joy
is hearing the same timbre of happiness in someone's voice as you have in yours.

current mood: pleased

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3:23 pm - funny convo last night
me: i think i've been listening to too much radiohead.
my friend gary: why do you think that?
me: it's making me even more alienated than normal.
gary: not possible; you're already alienated to your maximum.

current mood: bemuse

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1:56 pm - prewedding
spent yesterday evening with my friends roger and joanne, who are getting married tomorrow. we watched will and grace and put wedding programs together. it was good to do "fulfillment"; it had been a while since i'd stuffed envelopes/folded covers/etc. say what you want about web design, you can't hold it in your hand and say i made that.

i've been apprehensive about the wedding, in part because i'm reading at the ceremony, but mostly because, as usual, i'm going alone, and as i get older it gets more conspicuous. so i have to gear up to put on my happy face for six hours plus, and i know afterwards i'll be exhausted. that's all right, though, it's in an excellent cause, and wearing a tux while devouring canapés can't really be considered rough duty. and who knows, maybe the recently divorced ms. right will be there.

current mood: content

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1:56 pm - today's major victory
so far, anyway...

i found my CD of strangeways here we come unexpectedly after giving it up for lost. this may not seem like a big deal to you, but trust me, here it is a very big deal.

current mood: grateful

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wednesday, november 7th, 2001
12:39 pm - providence
monday i drove to providence, rhode island at the last minute to see my friend carson's play self defense at the perishable theater. the show was great -- carson's plays can be difficult to perform (lots of words, fast switches, violence-tending subject matter) but this group really nailed it, which was a pleasure. she's been working on self defense for the better part of three years, and the providence opening is the first of three productions in the next six months. she's finally getting recognized and produced, and all i can say is, it's about friggin time.

it was also hugely refreshing to get out of new york, if only for a day. it was great not to have to deal with my current life, and imagine a smaller, more peaceful one in a smaller, more peaceful town.

current mood: WHERE IS THE COFFE

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sunday, november 4th, 2001
5:18 pm - i don't mean to be immodest
but i make the best grilled cheese sandwiches.

current mood: content

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thursday, november 1st, 2001
12:15 am - why i love baseball
it ain't over 'til it's over. in no other sport can you be so close to being blown out and then turn it around to win. absolutely amazing.

p.s. the fan who brought the "MR. NOVEMBER" sign knew exactly what he/she was doing.

current mood: giddy

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wednesday, october 31st, 2001
3:47 pm - color quiz!
Your Existing Situation

Acts in an orderly, methodical, and self-contained manner. Needs the sympathetic understanding of someone who will give him recognition and approval.

Your Stress Sources

Eager to make a good impression, but worried and doubtful about the likelihood of succeeding. Feels that he has a right to anything he might hope for, and becomes helpless and distressed when circumstances go against him. Finds the mere possibility of failure most upsetting and this can even lead to nervous prostration. Sees himself as a 'victim' who has been misled and abused, mistakes this dramatization for reality and tries to convince himself that his failure to achieve standing and recognition is the fault of others.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Circumstances are such that he feels forced to compromise for the time being if he is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.

Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective

Needs to feel identified with someone or something and wishes to win support by his charm and amiability. Sentimental and yearns for a romantic tenderness.

Your Actual Problem

Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on his resources. This feeling of powerlessness subjects him to agitation and acute distress. He attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as he desires them to be.

Your Actual Problem #2

Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and he is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship. He attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as he desires them to be.

current mood: amused

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monday, october 29th, 2001
7:05 pm - exorcising ghosts, II
this is for technobelle and miabella: if you liked david sylvian's solo stuff, see if you can locate the greatest hits compilation of his new wave-ish band, japan: it's called exorcising ghosts. amazon has it via import here.

current mood: improved

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4:56 pm - exorcising ghosts
maybe it's the aftermath of september 11. maybe it's my successes in finding lost friends the last week. maybe it's long conversations about love, trust, and innocence. maybe it's just that time of year.

but the progress is this: don't talk about finding people, do it; don't talk about needing to grieve, do it; don't talk about being afraid of the winter dark, go get a lamp.

*off getting a lamp*

current mood: defiant

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sunday, october 28th, 2001
1:05 pm - when i fell on the floor, i drank more
okay, so when you've lowered your tolerance by eschewing strong drink for a couple weeks, the last thing you need to do is go out and have several. apparently this wisdom was lost on me last night.

o/` oh no don't mention lurrvvvvvvvvv o/`

current mood: groggy

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saturday, october 27th, 2001
3:21 pm - wow
a wild hair made me look up my friend nevada online. i hadn't seen her since 1997, when i revisited north carolina (yes, that's the correct verb). and hey, whaddaya know, i found her email pretty quickly, and wrote her, and she wrote back...she's a mom, and in grad school, and all of these great things.

the internet makes me crazy most of the time, but every once in a while it's pretty fucking great.

current mood: happy

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2:02 am - just when you thought it was safe to live in brooklyn
long low rumble shook the whole house...from online friends' reports it seems as though we just had an earthquake. no data yet on severity, but there have been calls from all over the city to FDNY and NYPD. of course for a long moment i thought something else had blown up :/

current mood: anxious

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friday, october 26th, 2001
1:25 am - more october
when i was a freshman and sophomore in high school, my friend tom and i would turn his parents' house upside down at halloween so we could have a halloween party. their house was great for it: a big stone house built in the 20s or 30s with a finished basement. the house is on a hill (like much of my hometown) and faces directly onto its street; the yard is terraced below street level, first at eight feet, then another six feet or so as the yard reaches behind the house. because of this, the house seems taller than it is wide; there's a stone balcony over the front porch, and lots of other features that can be turned to nefarious purpose. for one of those reasons you never think about as kids, the door that got the most use was the kitchen door, set to the side of the house down a narrow, covered walkway; we would panel that walkway with big black plastic tarps, draped with artificial cobwebs and ghostly artifice. once inside, partygoers were led to the basement stairs, also covered in black plastic; ethereal music (who knows what we played; i can say with authority it wasn't "the monster mash") and scary lighting effects kept them appropriately enthralled. we had remote-controlled skeletons, speakers with odd sound effects, and used dry ice to good effect. tom's mom made dastardly treats; we bobbed for apples; girls giggled and were shy; boys brooded and were shy. i was walking around the pond tonight, with the wind blowing and the stars seeming brighter above because of the sudden chill; the road around the pond took me along the route i used go to tom's house, and it made me think about those occasions twenty-odd years ago. of course i never realized how fortunate we all were at the time, but in retrospect, how fucking perfect.

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